I realize that as I was going into college I didn't know myself. I was holding on to a piece of all that I am, but there were so many more layers that I had yet to uncover. Even now I'm realizing there is so much more to me than I think. There are parts of me that are so underdeveloped it almost scares me but then are parts that make me confident and proud to be who I am. I think it's important to know who you are, the ugly parts and the polished parts of yourself that you let others see. We are broken, but that's what makes us beautiful. We are a mosaic of God's creation, allowing His light to reflect through us and create a beautiful display of all that He is.
I want to be the best broken piece of His majesty that I can be.
The morning that I first went to Cornerstone; the very first day of freshman year, I knew my life would never be the same. That one day clearly separated the first eighteen years of my life from the rest. I had no idea what to expect. I thought I was so prepared and I knew exactly what college would be like, but it was so much more than I ever imagined. Sometimes I wish I could go back to that day and tell myself how amazing it all would be. I could point to different people and say, they'll be your friend, they'll help you through a hard time, they'll pray for you, they'll laugh with you, they'll make late night Ihop runs with you, they'll teach you something about yourself.
And while I don't regret anything, there are a few things that I wish I would have done. I wish I would have been more selfless. In a time of self-discovery it can be easy to forget those around you and the impact that one person can have on many. I'd like to think that I had a positive impact overall, but I know there were times when I acted selfishly and I chose my happiness over someone else's. I felt in that sense I lost myself. I have always tried my very hardest to please others, for better or worse. I firmly believe that I am here not for my own good, but for the good of others. Sometimes I chose to deny that part of myself in favor of something more pleasing.
I dealt with people that were disappointed in me, which was almost a foreign concept. It was a challenge for me to accept that I could hurt or disappoint people. To have others tell you that there is something you need to work on hurts. My first reaction is to make excuses, to justify my actions, but sometimes I just need to accept that I'm wrong.
The unofficial official theme for my dorm, Pickitt Hall, was "Grace Upon Grace." I didn't think about it until after I left, but that is a reflection of what I've learned in living with hundreds of other college students. When you live together you see each other at your best and worst times. It's pretty easy to assume things about situations, about people, and to think thoughts that aren't really true. We all need grace. I need grace, you need grace. No one is perfect and everything would be so much easier if we could all just remember that.
But back to the good, because there was so much good.
I learned to believe in myself. I learned to love myself. I learned to be confident in who I am. I fell in love with Christ. I experienced God in a way unlike anything I have felt before. I learned to depend on Him. I made so many amazing friends. I found purpose.
My life has a vibrancy now that it never had before, like before I was living in black and white and now I live in color. You see, I just can't stop smiling. God is good. Life is good. I am blessed beyond measure. Even when my day is crappy, my God is good. This year is a testament to His faithfulness.
I had the opportunity to work as camp staff at Camp Harvest this summer. It has been a goal of mine to do this ever since last August. I wanted to fill my college summers with experiences and growth opportunities. This one seemed to fit perfectly with my plan. But God told me no. I felt so strongly a pull on my heart calling me to rest. I felt God saying, this is not my plan for you. It doesn't necessarily make sense because it seemed perfect, but I felt such peace about not going.
All year and all of my life really, I said yes. I said yes to late nights and long trips, I said yes to service opportunities and extra work. But this time I said no. When you know, you know and I knew that God didn't want me at Camp Harvest this summer.
I had spent so much time and energy pushing myself to do anything and everything and to be the best I could. All of last summer I barely spent more than three weeks in the same state, then I went on to college, my first time even really going to school. I went from a town of 2,500 people to a city of almost 200,000 people. I went from mostly being alone to being around others 24/7. I moved to a new home and lived at school more than I lived at the new house. On breaks I didn't go home, I went to what felt like a hotel, a temporary resting place.
By the end of this last semester, I felt that I might suffocate if I didn't get air. If I didn't have space I might spontaneously combust, shattering into a million little pieces. Sometimes enough is enough and sometimes I need to love and respect myself before I can love and respect others well.
When I was in church my pastor said something that I took note of, he said, "Sometimes busyness can be a way of avoiding God and the meaning of life itself." I move so quickly that I forget to stop and appreciate this life and the God that I serve. I spend so much time doing extravagant things for God that I forget to or lose interest in cultivating my own relationship with Him. This summer is my time to do that; to intentionally focus on Him and what He has to teach me in the quiet. He doesn't want to fight for my attention, he wants it all without question.
I am learning daily to be satisfied, fully and completely. I am treasuring every moment. God is good. Life is good. I am so happy.
SIDENOTE: This past semester I have found FREEDOM in Christ through worship. I'm really, really excited about what God's going to do on our campus. I have never before met people my own age who are so excited to make an impact for Christ. The fact that we get together just to worship and everyone is excited about it makes me excited. I have found community with people that inspire me and daily encourage me. I cannot wait to see what the future holds for us and what God has in store. It's going to be amazing!
So now, to open it up to you. I would love to talk to anyone who is reading this about my experiences. So much more has happened than can be fit into one post. God has been faithful and I want to share that with anyone and everyone who wants to hear about it. Also, I would appreciate prayer as I feel that this is a big turning point once again in my life. I know that there are some things that God is going to show me, things that I will need to do to improve myself as well as ways that I can impact my community, family, friends, campus, church, etc. for Him. Pray for clarity and strength.
Thank you all for keeping up with me this year. I have so appreciated the comments, facetimes, texts, letters, and everything you have done to affirm me. I am undeserving of and so incredibly grateful for all of the love that I have received. Thank you!
So, with that, peace out freshman year. You've been good to me, despite the lack of sleep and lapses of practical judgement. I'll come back to CU in the fall ready for round two, but this time I won't be the freshman. I'll get to watch them figure it all out just like I did and have to pretend that I'm a little more put together than I actually am. Three new girls will live in room 218. So much life will be lived between those four walls. It was my place, but it will be their's. Now it's time for me to move on and I couldn't be more excited. Freshman year was everything I wanted and more. Sophomore year, I'm ready for ya!
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