Imperfectionist

  I'm a recovering perfectionist. All my life I have been driven by the desire to be the best I could be.  Maybe just to prove it to myself or maybe because I cared what everyone else thought.  Either way, I've realized that it's not healthy.  Beneath the layers of self righteousness and achievement there was sin and brokenness, like a wound that was festering, the infection spreading to other parts of me.

     The problem is that I didn't think this wound that perfectionism created needed any medication because to the world and to me, I seemed perfectly fine.  I was this put-together package tied up with a pretty bow.  I compared myself to others and when I saw all of their problems, I thought I must not be so bad.
     Recently, I had a class assignment about vainglory.  If you're confused about what vainglory is (like I was), Merriam Webster defines it as "excessive or ostentatious pride, especially in one's achievements," and "vain display or show."  I read the assigned text and I felt as though the author was speaking directly to me.  One of the things he said that really resonated with me was that often times, people who struggle with vainglory put up a front of fake achievement because deep down, they're worried that they will never be enough.
     I like people to think that I'm impressive, talented, beautiful and any other string of complimentary adjectives, and I do all of these great things to get their praise under the guise of serving God or being a "nice and sweet" girl.  But if I'm being honest, I am a pretty selfish person.  I know how to pray the prayers or say the best things to make people think "she's so spiritual."  But really, I have so much to learn.
     Don't get me wrong, I love to help people and I genuinely want to make a difference, but I'm naive to think that I don't do some of that for my own benefit.  I think, within each of us there is a little voice whispering, "You'll never be good enough."  The difference is that some of us allow it to make us better and others allow it to drag them down.  I allowed it to drag me down, thinking that it was making me better.

     Even with this blog I can tend to make it about me.  I love getting praise from people that read it.  I just love attention.  It's hard to admit, but it's true.  Normally, when I write a post it comes to me quickly as though my thoughts turn into a waterfall of words pouring down the page.  But this one was halting at best.  Numerous times I thought about sitting down to write it and even when I did, I couldn't make myself do it.
      If you remember my last post, I was overflowing with confidence and happiness over how I was doing and all that I was learning.  But soon after that, I had a really rough week.  It seemed that obstacle after obstacle came in my path.  I kept letting people down; people that I cared about.  I didn't know what I was doing that was so wrong, but I was failing.  It seemed that everywhere I turned there was rejection, anger, or hurt.  I didn't understand it.  I spent a lot of time in my dorm room which is something that I had never really done.  But I knew that I had to be alone.  I think, in a way, I was scared that by going back out I would make it worse.  The room was a safe place where I couldn't mess up anymore. But also, I was tired out of my mind, physically and emotionally.
     At school, we live at this high intensity all of the time.  Everyone is turned all the way up.  Their stresses, their emotions, their joys, their anger, it's all-encompassing.  Everyone is just trying so hard all the time.  Leaving campus feels like going to another planet, everything is different.
     It's not really healthy for me.  I need my alone time.  I need to feel like I don't have to be on all the time.  But at the same time, I have experienced more growth in my short time at school than I think I have in my whole life.
     From this point forward I don't want to cover my insecurities with fake achievement.  I'm craving real growth and healing.  I am so encouraged by all that God is doing in me.  I'm learning to trust him like never before and it feels good.  It feels so good to give every part of me to God.  When God looks at me, he doesn't see my selfishness, vanity, or impatience, He sees a daughter washed and perfectly cleaned by the blood of His Son, Jesus.  I know I'm imperfect, but that's okay because He is perfect and I wouldn't have it any other way.