It's Okay to be Broken

     Little notes are stuck to our mirror.  They have little bits of wisdom about grace, love, our worth.  They are there for a reason.
      As amazing as every little bit of college has been, problems still exist.  For these first few weeks, I lived in a whirlwind of positivity, excitement, and change.  I was so encouraged that the demons that I had left behind were really behind me.  I could be positive, the very best version of me.  I could be liked, even loved by others.  That's still true, but the truth is, it's exhausting.
     It's exhausting to always be the enhanced you that you want everyone else to see.  It's exhausting to enter in a social situation evaluating where you stand or what you need to do or how to present yourself to hang out with a certain group of people.
     Life has been amazing in so many ways, but I also need to acknowledge that some parts cause me pain.  Some parts give me anxiety and make it harder to function.  It's mostly good, but some of it is not, and that's okay.  It's okay to come to others with your brokenness so that they can share the weight of your pain.  It's okay for them to see the side of you that isn't so pretty.  We all have those parts of us, but it is up to us whether or not we can be brave enough to expose them.  And exposing them hurts.  It's uncomfortable, but it's so necessary.  You can't be healed until you acknowledge that you're sick.
     Most of the time, I am the one placing the burdens on myself, and those burdens are often the hardest to get rid of.

     When I got here, everyone talked about the Freshman Frenzy.  It's basically the Cornerstone name for all of the couples that come out of the first month or two of being here.  Everyone says it's stupid and not to do it, but everyone talks about it.  "Don't be a part of the freshman frenzy!  Who cares?  The right guy will find you at the right time."  Yeah right.
     It's a constant topic of conversation, so does everyone really not care?  It is so emphasized that this is where you find a guy, that it's all I and a lot of other girls can think about.  So here I am, in this new stage of life with so much freedom and I have to be chained down by fears of, "Well what if I don't get a guy?  What if that one guy doesn't like me?  What if I'm not good enough?"  And on and on the self-doubting and second-guessing goes.
     How can I seek God when I'm really just wanting to seek a boyfriend?  I don't want to be dependent on someone else and what they think of me.  I don't want this to be high school.  How then can I avoid being dragged down by the doubts?  I don't know yet.
     I know that I can seek God.  I can give it to Him, but am I willing to stand with open hands truly willing to follow where He leads?  It's much easier said than done.
     Last night I was feeling a lot of anxiety and all I really wanted was to talk to my Mom or my best friend.  No one answered their phone.  So with a sense of panic rising inside of me, I sought someone else out.  We sat outside and talked about how I was feeling and why.  I know that God provided this time to build relationships rather than seek out those that are already existing.
     I need to seek God instead of affirmation.  And in some ways I have.  He is so present here and with me.  I know that I have grown exponentially in this time, but I still have so far to go.
     I found a verse last night that I plan to come back to in moments of doubt.  It's Psalm 3:5, and it says, "I lie down and sleep; I wake against because the Lord sustains me."  He is my sustainer and in my moments of doubt I will cling to Him.