Behind the Mask

Love my cute roomies:)

     Writing helps me process.  Communication helps me process.  Whether it's writing, public speaking, acting, singing, or just talking, my mind flies with lightning speed and I feel alive.  There's really nothing like it.  Usually I have a million thoughts bouncing around in my mind, but these forms of communication help me to connect those thoughts and I feel whole.
     So in an effort to achieve this level of self awareness, here I am, writing another blog post.  It's a Friday, the best day of the week.  Aside from the warm cookies that we have every Friday at lunch, I love how happy everyone is.  It's the weekend.  All of the stresses of the week start to melt away and all of the stresses of the next week seem far, far away.
     Not that college is always stressful, there's just a lot to think about; friendships, school, work, relationships, family, and all of the activities.  Sometimes, it can be overwhelming.  Lately I've been struggling in the friendship department.  I feel like I have a lot of friends, but no deep friendships.  I'm the type of person that needs meaningful conversations to keep going.  I want to know that I've made a difference; to be intentional.  Quite honestly, the surface level interactions can be exhausting.
     Somehow, I know that I'm not the only one who feels like this.  I know that there are others that sometimes feel neglected or unsure.  Sometimes, I'm so focused on myself and my problems that I forget to see others around me that are struggling.  We all like to put on our best face, but that's probably not a reflection of what's really happening behind the mask.

     I have a tendency to drag myself down more than anyone else dragging me down.  Once I go down, it's hard to get back up.  The insecurities claw at my self esteem, taking away the very things that I feel most confident about.  I even pray about it.  I ask God to help me find my significance in Him, but it's easier said than done.
     Recently, He has blessed me with some really great days.  They were no more special than any other day, but He helped me to focus on Him and find joy in Him.  His love and grace are so overwhelming if only I choose to recognize them.
     He really is all that I need.  I only hurt myself when I seek other things more than Him, affirmation from others, a good time, an easy way out.  He knows me better than anyone and He loves me even though I make things messy, even though I fail, and even though I doubt.
      Sometimes I forget the reason why I came to Cornerstone, which was to grow exponentially in Christ; to build a life that matters (like they've said about a million times since I've gotten here).  Friendships will come and go, but Christ never will.  He is my hope.
      Hope is a powerful word.  To me it means that He was my everything and He WILL continue to be my everything.  Joy is a byproduct of hope, and so is love.  If I have hope, if I have Christ, I have all I need.
     There's a song that we sing in chapel that I love.  It says this:

VERSE 1

 I once was lost in darkest night

Yet thought I knew the way
The sin that promised joy and life
Had led me to the grave
I had no hope that You would own
A rebel to Your will
And if You had not loved me first
I would refuse You still

VERSE 2
But as I ran my hell-bound race
Indifferent to the cost
You looked upon my helpless state
And led me to the cross
And I beheld God’s love displayed
You suffered in my place
You bore the wrath reserved for me
Now all I know is grace

CHORUS
Hallelujah! All I have is Christ
Hallelujah! Jesus is my life

VERSE 3
Now, Lord, I would be Yours alone
And live so all might see
The strength to follow Your commands
Could never come from me
Oh Father, use my ransomed life
In any way You choose
And let my song forever be
My only boast is You

     Jesus IS my life.  If I choose anything over Him, I will never be fully content.  Please pray for me as I continue on this journey.  Pray for strength, peace, and patience.  God is doing great things.